I’ve taken a break from blogging. Quite a long one from the looks of my last post. Truth is, I think I may be shutting this puppy down.

God’s recently called me to launch into a new ministry that has to do with brokeness and healing, recovery and freedom. It’s called The Pool and it’s based off of John 5:1-10. You probably see the sidebar to the right of this blog.

All my time has been devoted to getting this thing off the ground in the direction that God wants it, so I’ve been MIA from ‘talking about it’ (no pun intended).

We are in the process of launching The Pool’s website which will have a blog section on it where I’ll be posting as well as some of the other ministry leaders. I love to write, but would love to do it under the umbrella of freedom and recovery, two things that I have experienced in my life.

So stay tuned….great things are happening!

So I received a memo from my son’s school a few days ago letting me know that they will be showing some videos to the students having to do with personal safety and sexual abuse. They were inviting the parents to a pre-screening of the videos before the children saw them.

I had already known the statistics of childhood sexual abuse.

1 in 4 girls will be sexually abused and 1 in 8 boys will be. The median age is 9. Those are alarming I know….

Each grade level went to their respective classrooms and watched the video that was age-appropriate for their child’s grade. My son’s school has FIVE 2nd grade classrooms, and only 4 parents showed up to watch the videos. I was slightly surprised at this.The video made me uncomfortable and I thought to myself “I am so not ready to have this conversation with him…” but at the same time I know it’s necessary. The video was forward enough I was going to have an entry-level talk my son (not the whole birds and bees talk but enough to be prepared for this video). The mother bear in me wants to shield him from all of this and hide him, but I know I can’t be naive about it.

I heard a parent in the room say “I’m not allowing my child to watch this.” I know every parent had to make the decision for themselves….and it’s such a difficult one!

We live in a sad, sad world…..being a CASA I now know how REAL abuse is and just because I pretend it doesn’t exist doesn’t mean that it doesn’t.

1 in 4 girls
1 in 6 boys

What do you think? Do you know of anyone in your life that has been abused?

How many of you journal on a regular basis?

What is your main reasons for journaling?

Do you go back and re-read it later?

Name some positive and negative things that keeping a journal has done for you.

What are some creative ways to journal other than writing words on a piece of paper?

Have you ever shared with anyone what’s written in your journal?

I totally believe there’s a lesson in everything and I learn so much about God through my very own children. My youngest son who is 3 cannot comprehend when I make choices that are good for him, but seem very bad to him at the time. I realized through this lesson how much God must feel towards us when He allows us to go through things to learn something in the process, all the while we are kicking and screaming.

My son is in a picky eating phase. We have a rule in our house for both our kids - if you don’t eat your dinner (or enough of your dinner), then you don’t get dessert later that evening.It’s a hard lesson for me as a parent to follow through when my son is sitting there with huge tears running down his face, wondering why his own mommy cannot give him that cookie that everyone else is eating but him.I see his distress…he doesn’t understand (now) that by choosing to not eat his dinner that it exempts him from the big chocolate chip cookie and milk he so desperately wants, and that eating his dinner is the best thing for him instead of constantly eating bad things with no nutrition. So he does what any three year old will do. He cries, screams, sometimes kicks his feet on the floor, and even yells “NO FAIR!”

I, on the other hand, stand by and watch him cry and get so upset and it hurts me. I hate that he can’t have what he wants and what seems good to him but he made the decisions to put himself in that place, even though he can’t really understand it now. I almost give in and have to struggle because of the love I have for him, I want him to have anything he wants as soon as he wants it…I so would rather see a huge smile than tears running down his face. But…what would he learn for the future if I did that now?

God has to see us in this way. We make foolish or not so wise decisions in our lives which land us in all sorts of predicaments (bad marriages, relationships that are unhealthy, debt, addictions) and then when we are in the middle of it, we cry out to God why we can’t have what everyone else seems to have…(fill in the blanks with whatever you desperately want that it just seems God will NOT allow you to have). If God gave in and blessed me with whatever I wanted at the moment, it might make me happy for a moment…but what lesson or pattern would it teach me for the future?

God is far more interested that I grow to be a healthy person, making good choices and knowing when to hesitate before I jump in with both feet into total indulgence in whatever it may be.I’m sure God feels the pangs of compassion when he sees us cry in our despair like I do when my son cries. But any good parent will tell you that they put aside what feels good for them to put what is best for their child first.Maybe we look at God like a 3-year old would…crying out that we need and want, and upset that God doesn’t give to us in the way we think He should…instead of realizing our limitations of understanding at the present moment and trust that God, the perfect Father, gives to His children the best when it’s right for them, and that He has the best intentions for them.

So what have you been throwing a tantrum about lately?

YOUTUBE VIDEO

Well the past is playing with my head
And failure knocks me down again
I’m reminded of the wrong
That I have said and done
And that devil just won’t let me forget
In this life I know what I’ve been
But here in your arms
I know what I am

I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

My mistakes are running through my mind
And I’ll relive my days, inthe middle of the night
When I struggle with my pain,wrestle with my pride
Sometimes I feel alone, and I cry
When I don’t fit in and I don’t feel like I belong anywhere
When I don’t measure up to much in this life
Oh, I’m a treasure in thearms of Christ ‘cause

I’m forgiven
I’m forgiven
And I don’t have to carry
The weight of who I’ve been
Cause I’m forgiven

I recently posted this on a website that I help mentor at…and thought I’d share this on my blog. I hope it helps someone…especially those who struggle with negative self-talk, low self esteem, and constantly trying to please other people by trying to be someone you are not.

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While I was seeing a counselor, I was going to her for issues with my self-esteem (which was non-existent) and she told me that I had allowed myself and others in my life to speak into my life and it shaped who I was (which was an insecure girl who had no idea who she was and constantly changed herself to try to be who she thought everyone wanted to be). My counselor gave me a list of scriptures that was titled “Our True Identity in Christ.”

She told me that I could not base my belief system on my own emotions, feelings, and beliefs (at the current time)…those were dysfunctional and distorted. Through 11 years of addictive and selfish behavior, they became even more distorted as I lost who I was completely. I could not rely on myself as what was truth…so I had to turn to what was the only absolute truth - the Word of God.

Below are just the references and what the scripture was about. I would suggest making yourself a challenge and make it last 15 days. There are 15 sets of scriptures below. Find the scriptures in your favorite translation of the Bible (I like The Message) and carry this scripture with you all day. Post it on your mirror until the words seep into your mind and then into your heart. Replace the non-truths you believe about yourself and that you are not worthy of God, and replace them with these truths.

I would suggest keeping a journal of what you tell yourself in your head about who you are and your worth. Challenge your thought with the truth of God and make sure the truth is the one that wins.

2 Corinthians 2:10:5 says: “Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.” Take your thoughts about themselves and the negative self-talk tape recorder that plays in your mind and immediately challenge those thoughts against the truth of God’s word below!

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Our True Identity in Christ

#1. Deut 28:1 - If you will listen to the voice of the Lord your God and do all His commandments, He will set you high above the nations
Deut 28:3 - we are blessed in the city and blessed in the field
Deut 28:6 - we are blessed when we come in and when we go out
Deut 28:7 - The Lord will cause your enemies to be afraid of you and flee from you
Deut 28:9 - The Lord will establish you as a holy people
Deut 28:11 - The Lord will cause you to have a surplus of prosperity
Deut 28:12 - The Lord will bless the work of your hands
Deut 28:13 - The Lord shall make you the head and not the tail; you shall be above and not beneath

#2. John 3:16 - You are loved by God and have eternal life with Him
*I suggest the book by Max Lucado “3:16 - the numbers of hope”
I John 1:12-13 - You have the right to be called a child of God

#3. Romans 3:24 - You are justified (declared not guilty of sin)
Romans 8:1 - you now have no condemnation in Christ Jesus
Romans 8:2 - You are set free from the law of sin and death

#4. I Cor 1:2 - You are sanctified (made holy) in Jesus Christ
I Cor 1:30 - You are pure and holy in Christ

#5. I Cor 2:14 - You can understand the truths of God because you have been given the mind of Christ

#6. 1 Cor 15:22 - You will be made alive in Christ

#7. 2 Cor 5:17 - You are a new creation; the old has gone away
2 Cor 5:20 - You are Christ’s ambassador
2 Cor 5:21 - You are put in right standing (made righteous) with God

#8. 2 Cor 6:18 - You are a daughter of the Lord God Almighty

#9. Gal 3:28 - You are one in Christ with all other believers

#10. Eph 1:3 - You are blessed with every spiritual blessing
Eph 1:4 - You are holy and without fault
Eph 1:5-6 - You are adopted as one of God’s children
Eph 1:7 - You are forgiven, and your sins are taken away
Eph 1:10-11 - You will be brought under Christ’s authority
Eph 1:13 - You are marked as belonging to God by the Holy Spirit

#11. Eph 2:6 - You have been raised up to sit with Christ in the Heavenly realms
Eph 2:10 - You are God’s masterpiece
Eph 3:6 - You share in the promise through Christ
Eph 3:12 - You can come with freedom and confidence into God’s presence

#12. Eph 5:29-30 - You are members of Christ’s body, the church

#13. Col 2:10 - You have been given fullness in Christ
Col 2:11 - You are set free from your sinful nature

#14. 2 Tim 1:7 - God has not given you a spirit of fear but of power, love, and a sound mind
2 Tim 2:1 - You will have eternal glory

#15. I Peter 2:9 - You are a chosen race, a royal priesthood and the Lord called you out of darkness into His marvelous light

So we all have this little person inside of us, you know the one that shouts all kinds of things to you throughout the day, always negative. Some refer to it as conscience, some refer to it as self talk, some say it’s the devil himself…..well I think of “her” as my worst enemy. And I listen to her FAR TOO MUCH and don’t shut her up as much as I should.

Tonight honestly, I really got sick of her “mouth” and rightly told her so. No, I really did…I was standing in the bathroom and I said “JUST SHUT UP!”

In about a 30-second time span, I evaluated what this little witch (for lack of a better term) has been telling me, my own self-talk that I have let go unbridled.

Just this week she’s told me:

You cannot sing….quit trying. You sound horrible.
Yeah, know that 8 lbs you just put on? You look disgusting…you are so fat…your legs are huge
You are a horrible Mom. You have hardly spent any time with your kids this week.
You are not a good wife
You are really messed up inside, a wreck…and you probably can’t be fixed
You’re not a friend worth having, you have nothing to offer
You’re too much, people really don’t like your personality
I wonder what they thought about you just now when you posted that on Facebook….they think you just want attention
You pretend you have it all together, but you don’t. You and I BOTH know better.
There’s really no point in sharing your testimony further…people will look at you differently once they KNOW

and there were more, but I’ll spare you the details.

I was SO SICK of her! I told her to SHUT UP!!! Have you ever truly listened to your self-talk and realize how often you let “her” or “him” get away with? So I sat down to this blog, and I thought let’s evaluate the truth versus the statements “she” was making to me.

*God qualifies who He calls. Moses stuttered, yet he went before Pharoah. Maybe I’m not the world’s best singer, but the words I had to sing I believed with my very soul and just maybe they reached the right heart at the right time.
*No, I was unable to spend as much time as I COULD with my kids this week, but I did make every effort this weekend to put my kids #1
*Yeah I’ve put on weight, but I have a treadmill looking at me in the face and I have the ability to do something about my weight.
*Last time I checked Randy didn’t tell me I was a BAD wife, so who made that determination? After all, isn’t HE the one that counts?
*I think we are all messed up, but God says His mercies are new every morning
*My personality is different, I am different. But God says I am beautifully and wonderfully made. He knew me while I was in my mother’s womb and knows the numbers of hairs on my head. I am HIS Creation, and God doesn’t make junk
*I would rather be open to the world and REAL than to hide and be fake on the outside to become who I think people want me to be. I can’t let people’s keyhole perspective of me and their limited viewpoints define who I am. I’ve already been defined by Christ.
*I’m not pretending to have it all together.. Only “she” said I was. I clearly know I do not, and don’t attest to. Because if I did, then Christ would receive no glory!
*I cannot let people who would never change otherwise stop me from sharing my story. Because those out there who need to hear it is so much greater than the one or two that would use it as a weapon against me. The Bible says “there is therefore no more condemnation to him who is in Christ.”

———-

So what self-talk has been going on in your head lately? Have you taken some time to really recognize when those thoughts come in your head, or do you let the talk ramble on and on and beat you down?

2 Cor. 10:4-5 says “For the weapons of warfare are not carnal, but mighty through God to the pulling down of strong holds, Casting down imaginations, and every high thing that exalteth itself against the knowledge of God, and bringing into captivity every thought to the obedience of Christ.”

….taking every thought captive and making it obedient unto Christ….

It’s changed my week….will you let it change yours?

I’ve been reading John Maxwell’s book “The 21 Indispensable Qualities of a Leader.” Every chapter is a different quality. I like to read these types of books one chapter at a time…not like a McDonalds value meal that you wolf down in 3 bites, but more like a fine gourmet delacacy that you savor each bite and sip your drink like a vintage wine that you have to swish around in your mouth to get the full flavor intended. (I know that was deep, but you know who you’re dealing with here.)

Anyway, the first quality I read about I have been stewing about in my mind over and over. Usually books don’t have that effect on me, but for some reason this one is.

Character

How a leader deals with circumstances of life tells you many things about his character. Crisis doesn’t necessarily make character, but it reveals it. Hard times usually make a person choose one or the other - character or compromise. Every time he chooses character, he becomes stronger - even if that choice brings negative consequences.

That kind of goes against our generational train of thought right?

Think of someone that you wonder if they have good character or not. “Your character determines who you are. Who you are determines what you see. What you see determines what you do. That’s why you can never separate a leader’s character from his actions.”

If a leader’s actions and intentions are continually working against each other, look to his character to find out why.

I think that’s why we can forgive certain leaders over others. We might get REALLY frustrated by lack of follow through and general “all overness” of a person, and their intention may not be so…and we can still be frustrated. But our grace comes in when we know the true character of a person….choosing character instead of compromise…taking the high road, to cop out or to dig out of a hard situation as Maxwell says, to BEND the truth or STAND under the weight of it, to take easy money or to pay the price. That’s character.

So think back to that PERSON….yeah they are sucking it up…their intention? They CERTAINLY don’t mean to and say they don’t. But do they have character? Do they run from the truth? Or do they embrace it? A leader with character is certainly who I can follow even if they are not perfect. Followers do not trust leaders whose character they know to be flawed, and they will not continue following them.

Maxwell says highly talented people who suddenly fall apart after they reach a certain level of success - it’s a lack of character, they lack the bedrock character to sustain them through the stress and are headed for disaster. They are then destined for the four A’s - Arrogance, Aloneness, destructive Adventure-Seeking, or Adultery. Such a terrible price to pay for weak character.

So who in your life are you enormously frustrated with? Do they have true character? Or not? Are they worth following?

What about you?

I think I probably opened up a page to write a new blog about 20 times. But every time it felt like I was unleashing my frustration, my bitterness, my questions…and opening myself up to a lot of criticism.

It seems my blog has been more of a journal of my trials and tests instead of my times of glory and optimism.

Honestly, I didn’t know what to say because I didn’t have the answers. I still don’t.

I have been on a journey. A tough one at that….it seems every time I go through one of these difficult times it seems like the hardest and worst time of my life. But this time it’s different. Perhaps I should give you a background.

My husband has been struggling with back pain and herniated and bulging disks since he was about 21 years old. He was injured on the job and has paid the price ever since. Since we were married in 2001, one wrong twist or lifting something he shouldn’t has landed him flat on his back for about a week. He always recovers. Until the end of January.

I don’t know if was a combination of things over the Christmas holiday that did him in or one wrong twist, but this time was different. Randy was OUT of commission. Not only was he flat on his back, but he could not sit up, stand, or even walk…for a SOLID week. I don’t think I’ve ever seen him in that much pain and it was difficult….that was the first part of it all. For if he couldn’t walk, he couldn’t work….and has not worked since the end of January (note it’s almost the first of April).

I went back to work full time, but there was NO WAY my paycheck was going to cover our bills. NO WAY. I think I had the most anxiety of my life knowing that everything was out of my control and yet I felt the full weight of providing for my family on my shoulders. Some honest and raw emotional and mental things I went through:

1. I was angry.
2. I was depressed.
3. I was anxious.
4. I felt worthless
5. I was angry again
6. I was ready to punch everyone in the face that said “I am praying for you,” and “it will be okay.” (I’m honest okay?)
7. I had no hope.
8. The pressure was HUGE

I was staring several things in the face (not in any order of importance):

1. Having to lose our home (even though we are renting, having to move out and move in with someone)
2. Embarrassment
3. Having to lose our car
4. Ruining our credit
5. Losing control (believe it or not EXTREMELY hard for me)
6. Not being able to buy food to feed my family
7. Randy being PERMANENTLY injured and never being able to work again, possibly having to have surgery…

All the facts lining up said IMPOSSIBLE, YOU’RE DONE, GIVE UP. Nearly every disk in Randy’s spine is ruined and non-reversible damage has occurred.

Until one day through my roller coaster of emotions, I actually came to a realization.

1. Let them take it all. It doesn’t matter anyway…we can start over
2. Moving in with someone wouldn’t be that bad…at least we have that option
3. My children are healthy…my husband will live. I am not having to make funeral arrangements this week.
4. I can work, I have the ability to bring in some income.
5. All the things in our home we own and no one will be coming to take those.
6. credit - so what? We weren’t planning on using it anyway.
7. I have wonderful family and friends who are here to help us in any way we can.

And I gave up…but I didn’t give up to defeat….I gave up to grace and peace (from God). Was it easy? NO. Did it happen overnight? NO. But I began replacing my thoughts, feelings, and emotions with the truth of God’s word.

“I have never seen the righteous forsaken,” “I will not leave you comfortless,” “I will never leave you, nor forsake you,” “the steps of a righteous man are ordered of the Lord,” and keep digesting the TRUTH of God, not my half-truths that I had formed in my mind.

So I gave up (in a good way).

LONG story short….3 months later….

1. Randy is back to work
2. We are only ONE week behind on our bills (ONLY ONE WEEK)
3. Random people gave us money, some enough to pay our rent, some enough to buy groceries.
4. Some people brought us hot meals
5. Some people brought us groceries
6. Our credit never got ruined
7. Nothing was repossessed
8. Our landlord gave us a week extension on our rent and dropped our rent for the next month
9. My faith is enlarged
10. I gave up control I never had anyway
11. I learned who I really was inside
12. I learned I had severe trust issues with God and once again He has proven He can be trusted
13. I taught my children how to do without
14. I learned how to roll change (and come up with like $200)…
15. I learned how to make things stretch and be frugal
16. I learned how much I really have compared to those who have none
17. I learned there are others who have it much worse
18. I learned it could ALWAYS be worse
19. I learned even when I felt like I had nothing, I still had something to give
20. I learned if I focus on other people’s problems, it helped me get through my own.

What are you going through? Is it a curse…or could it be a blessing?

Could it be possible that even through your terrible situation you could have peace? And you could find something good from something so broken? Could it even be possible that you could say, “I embrace this pain….”

There is a quote that I love. “God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks to us in our conscience, but shouts in our pains: It is His megaphone to rouse a deaf world”. - CS Lewis

He got my attention, and I’m listening with both ears….and I’m ready for next time something comes my way.

**The following blog post may be disturbing for you to read, but maybe you should read it…because I’m sure the people in Haiti didn’t have a chance to say, “Um, this is a little bit gruesome for us to handle…can you please not talk about it?”**

Let’s pretend Haiti’s earthquake just happened to you. Picture this however it looks in your own mind.

You, your family, and children are sitting in your home…maybe playing a game, watching TV, taking a nap, eating lunch. When all of a sudden a rumbling happens. You look at each other wondering what it was. The rumbling increases, everything starts falling off the counters. Your littlest one screams, “MOMMY! DADDY” Your house literally comes off it’s hinges, the ceiling breaks in two…you glance out the window to see other buildings collapsing….and then everything goes dark.

Let’s say you even make it outside your home. It’s utter chaos. People on your street screaming (those that made it), cars overturned or smashed beyond recognition. You stumble down the road, your neighbor is buried under a pile of rubble. Your other neighbor is screaming because the house just fell on his family.

Fast forward….

It’s been a couple of days. You and your family are sleeping in the street….on the bare ground. It’s cold. All your food is buried in the rubble. You are thirsty. You’re hungry….you’ve never given a thought to needing to eat before. WHERE are you going to get food from? Everyone else around you is in the same predicament you are, unable to get food. Maybe, just maybe you can get down into the local town to see if there is food there. Your kids (if they made it) are crying because they are hungry.

You stumble into town, the chaos is even crazier than on your own street. People are screaming, as you walk along the sidewalks you step over bodies….wait, was that someone I knew? Some children….babies….all piled up on the street. Screams, blood, some people are laying in the street alive, but barely….should you help them? What about your own family? People injured beyond recognition. You want to cover your eyes…you can’t look anymore.

The town is nuts, people shouting…looting. You can’t even get near the grocery store. Are those some people with guns up there? What are they doing?! They are shooting people so they can get to the food….what is going on? How did this happen? You brace yourself with fear because you don’t even know if you will be able to GET food. You look around, where are the police??? The ambulances??? Oh wait, they are buried in the rubble too. Will anyone help me? God where are you?!!!! Is this the end of the world???

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This scene just came to my mind just like a movie. See, I’m sitting in my bed right now. It’s pretty warm and cozy in my house. My kids are snoozing away in their rooms just a few steps away from me. I can’t wrap my mind around going from this to the chaos described in the preceding paragraphs. Can’t even fathom it. I think that’s my problem….I can’t.

I haven’t seen devastation. I haven’t lived in absolute tragedy. I haven’t had to see people die in front of me and I can’t do anything about it. I haven’t lost my child under a building standing there utterly helpless to save them. I haven’t held them in my arms while their life disappeared and no one was there to save them.

I know this blog is utterly disturbing, but maybe it should be. I think sometimes we need to THROW ourselves right smack dab into the middle of what reality is for 1/3 of Haiti’s population, and that is not our 3 bedroom, 2 bath home and nice SUV we drive. That’s not being able to open our refrigerator and say hmmm…I don’t have anything to eat while the shelves are full inside…something just doesn’t suit our fancy with what we see.

I am speaking to myself more I think through this post than anyone. This entire week I have sat and looked at utter devastation online, not just with Haiti but people right in our own country. I read the daily postings of a family whose youngest child is fighting a brain tumor. A mother who has been diagnosed with cervical cancer and wasn’t even supposed to make it to Christmas. How should she explain that to her 5 year old son? I read the blog of a woman who lost her husband in a bike accident and posted EVERY DAY of the entire year after her loss of her utter pain and grief. I read the blog of a mother who’s son passed away in a split second because of his heart and she talks about how she doesn’t want to even live anymore, how hard it is to go into his bedroom where she’s left everything just as it is.

Who am I kidding? What kind of reality do I think I’m living in?

God, wreck my heart so I can understand how good I have it. God, help me to never again stamp my feet in anger because YOU aren’t coming through the way I think you should. God, shame on me and may I ask for complete forgiveness when I have complained that I don’t have an easy life and that life is just “too hard” to live. I am ashamed….heart is broken….really no more words to say.

How do you feel? Have you had your eyes opened this week?

Look at the pictures. Look at them as disturbing they may be. Weep…cry for the loss of life…cry for a world in need of a savior…let your heart feel the raw painful emotion…it’s time.

CLICK HERE
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Do something about it:

The Red Cross
Compassion International
Samaritan’s Purse